Co-opting my likeness

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That’s right… I’m bringing this up.

For your sake, fair reader, I hope you cannot actually make out any words on the page. I’m not the person to tell the actual story of how a screenplay with my name in the title came to be, but I’ll have to try.

Around ten years ago, when we were still in high school, “Bubba” and Collin (the same guy you’ll hear on around 50% of the “Leave the Bottle” show!) decided they wanted to make a movie. Since both were big into “Dawson’s Creek” and I was willing to be the subject of the “abuse” I became the lead. Or at least a version of me.

(Quick aside: If one chooses to look at this in a negative light, this was a huge joke at my expense. But that’s assuming the worst of intentions. It was a fun project to talk about and if there were any hard feelings, I would have put the copy I have through a shredder. Upon reading this I feel as if this whole paragraph isn’t necessary.)

We never got around to shooting the movie. Just like I never got around to shooting my personal project “The Job”. I did get around to shooting “Pizza Delivery Man” but that’s another story.

I feel if we were in high school now, we would make the movie. Not because we’d be any more motivated or any wiser, but because the consumer electronics has come down to a more affordable level. Sure, the quality (of picture & script) would be terrible, but it would be fun to bust out at parties.

However, with the half-completed script sitting on my bookshelf and Final Draft on my computer, I can now actually try and put this screenplay in the proper format. And with the “Leave the Bottle” show as our format, we will be doing a poorly-acted “radio” version of the movie. In fact, I have already started. I do have to say, writing a character named “Gehrke” whose motivations and background I don’t quite understand makes me question my reality.

R J Gehrke once did the Kessel run in 8 parsecs, but no one was around to document it. 

Head in the Clouds

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           “The Cloud” is a great thing. The big ass CD book you used to have to bring in the car has long become a thing of the past. Yes, the iPod isn’t itself a “cloud” device, but it was the first step in making our possessions smaller. Instead of hiding a CD book under the car seat (what, no one else did that?), you could slip your iPod into your pocket and take it to your destination.

            This is an excellent space-saver. However, then we no longer needed to actually have physical CDs (iTunes), movies (Netflix, Amazon Prime, many others) and even books (Kindle, Nook, etc). Instead of an iPod, we could carry an iPad.

            As a person who moves every couple years, this rocks my world. Instead of buying new (heavy) books, I could buy eBooks. Instead of needing to own all the seasons of “Lost”, I could stream them. This will eventually add a year of life at least to my back.

            However, there is a problem.

            I’m not a huge conspiracy guy (mostly because there has to be an assumption the conspirators are 1) perfect and 2) highly intelligent), however our reliance on the cloud has left us vulnerable. We no longer can sit cuddle up under the couch and watch a movie if the Internet is down. Sitting under a tree with a good book becomes impossible if our Kindle breaks. And worst of all, if all our “possessions” go to the cloud, they’re not really ours anymore, are they?

            If the companies controlling our content (Amazon, Apple, other conglomerates that don’t start with the letter A) decide one day we’ve had enough, they could, in theory pull the plug on us. Our pods, pads & eReaders could be shut down at any time if they are in constant communication with the controlling company. In theory, we are a click away from digital serfdom, from not having access to the media we paid for.

            Obviously, that’s a paranoid thought. But it’s one worth considering. Not to mention the companies controlling the content will charge damn near the same to transmit a product to you than they would if you went to a store. Even though digital transmission doesn’t have the same cost as a store that has to pay for the product wholesale, physically transport it, pay rent & pay for the people to stock & sell.

Physical content has already lost the war on the music front. DVDs *& Blu Rays are vanishing into the ether. Books may be where I have to draw the line. Even though it’s more convenient to have an entire library on a tablet, I’d rather have the books on my wall.

In the worst-case scenario at least the books will take a lot longer to burn than a Kindle.

Thanks for reading. It’ll be a busy couple weeks while we’re getting the show (yes, there’s a Leave the Bottle show) up and running on a weekly basis.  There’ll be another rambling rant on Wednesday or Thursday for sure. 

Rough Draft

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I’m going to admit this is pretty much off-the-cuff. But stay in your seat and ride this thought train out with me.

The Minnesota Twins are likely going to lose both Jason Kubel (possibly) and Michael Cuddyer (most likely) to free agency this winter/spring. This last season, when the Twins were bungee jumping without the cord, Kubel and/or Cuddyer could have and should have been traded to contenders for something in return. But they weren’t.

Why? A little thing called compensation picks. You see, by NOT trading away top tier free agents to be, a team can receive a first round and/or a “sandwhich” (between rounds one and two) pick. Therefore, instead of trading a player for actual prospects, it can, in effect, trade for mythical prospects. All while having the awkwardness of having to keep trotting the player out day after day with everyone knowing that player will be wearing a different uniform next season.

There’s a way to avoid this, and it’s simple. The NFL does it, the NBA does it and if I knew anything about the NHL I’d assume it does too. (To be fair, for all I know, every summer the NHL goes to the South Pole, finds 30 penguins, tattoos them with team logos and makes them race for draft picks).

You see, these leagues allow teams to trade draft picks. Baseball, for reasons known only to Bud Selig, does not allow its teams to trade draft picks. Because of this, or maybe in spite of it, teams value their compensation picks. This is ridiculous because baseball draft picks have the longest and most unsure path to the majors. Sure a kid could be a five-tool player coming out of college, but even if he doesn’t have Tommy John surgery, get the “yips” or become Josh Hamilton without the redemption, there’s still a good chance that player won’t make it for more than a cup of coffee in the majors.

Personally, I’d rather trade for an actual player than a draft pick, but common sense aside here’s how we avoid this discussion using the 2011 Twins as an example.

Philadelphia GM: “So, I see your team is just…. god awful this year”

Bill Smith: “Thanks for noticing. It took a lot of botched moves and injury-prone big contract guys. But I’d like to-”

Philadelphia GM: “Shut up. I need a guy who can play right field, first base and even pitch in a pinch. What do you want for Cuddyer?”

Bill Smith: “Cliff Lee and Ryan Howard”

Philadelphia GM: “I’m not going to make that trade. I’m not you. How about a couple of decent upside Double A Guys?”

Bill Smith: “Well, Cuddyer projects to be a type-A free agent so we’ll get the first round pick of whoever signs him. And a sandwich pick. Unless some team signs a shitload of Type A free agents. I’d rather take the picks.”

Philadelphia GM: “Well, seeing as how we’re not in a league that isn’t batshit crazy, we can actually trade future draft picks. Since we both know I’m going to sign Cuddyer this offseason anyway, let’s get this over with now. Next year’s first round pick and a guy from Double A who once threw a bat at an umpire.”

Bill Smith: “Deal.”

See? It’s not that hard. And instead of doing the whistling and looking the other way when Michael Cuddyer walks into a room, he can go now to where he’d go in the next offseason anyway.